Journey To The Promised Land ( An MLM story )

My recent confrontation with a bunch of ingnorant simpletons was a wake up call. I had no intentions of discussing my past venture into the multi-level marketing industry. But last Saturday just reminded me it is never too late to dig up the dirt.

One of the worst things that can happen to an aspiring entrpreneur is being sucked into the world of MLM, ponzi or the pyramid scheme. In the begining it feels like a no-brainer to not let the opportunity slip by. But what surfaced later on happened to be one of the greatest lessons of my life yet.

The days in college fills our minds and hearts with dreams and aspirations. You know you want to do something big and mostly you have no clue of where to begin. Multi million dollar dreams keep you awake mentally and always on the lookout for opportunities that could get you on the wagon to riches. I was no different from most and one fine day I was introduced to this scheme that made me go, 'why the heck doesn't anybody know about this?'.

As I was still in college, I didn't quite have any money. I could have got it from my folks, but my intention of getting 'serious' about it did not permit me to do so. Selling my phone (which my dad got for me, ofcourse) felt better because though it was not mine, it technically belonged to me. Wasting no time I sold my mobile phone and invested the proceeds in the business plan which I was so sure would change my life forever. And I was right - it forever changed my perspective of life and that was when I consider myself to have reached 'financial puberty'.
  
I was always an ardent fan of Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple inc.. I wanted to 'love and live' my job like he does and did. I almost convinced a few friends of mine that this was the greatest decission of their lives and I could help them get to their dreams. None of my friends had any money and they resolved to means such as borrowing from their folks, pawning a gold chain or loaning it from their friends.

My eyes were glowing with hopes and promises, but something already started troubling me. It never was an easy job to convince my own friends. Now I knew it would be alot harder as the circle gets bigger. But the reality was, the circle got smaller. It got so small that it was now around my neck and tightening too at a steady pace.

I 'earned' the money that I put in. But I felt debted to all the people who 'invested' after me. Nobody could share the enthusiasm I had and I couldn't see through the skeptism of my own close friends. Day after day I started getting calls from my peers on the development. By now it is understood that every single person who joined in was just because 'I said so'. It started becoming clear as people are now expecting me to get back their money. Now I just unintentionally made 'multiple bosses'.

Friends started avoiding me. I  tried to make it a bit comfortable for them because I did not want to 'recruit' every where and every time. It never helped as I was still a part of it and they all knew I was going to ask them to join one day or the other. I started suffocating and the business model that my 'mentors' promoted did not make sense to me. The training sessions felt obsolete and the people who claimed to be 'winners' looked so empty in the inside and it looked like the only reason they are sticking to it is because their hunger for 'attention' is being well fed.

It is a very common custom in MLM for the 'downlines' to accept and cheer the 'uplines'. The uplines expect you to complete unreasonable tasks. They crave attention and this attention is what the downlines are looking forward to. The funniest thing about it is, these downlines give so much hype about this 'great' upline whom the general public don't even know who the F*** he is. It was all make belief .I knew this was a cult and these people are unknowingly following a religion and the uplines are self proclaimed prophets who claim to take you to the promised land.

Though all this did feel so silly and meaningless I was under the impression that I could change it all. Life was more to it than this and I knew that very well. Every time I tried to change from the 'system' an upline would interrupt. Friction built up between me and the 'cult' as I declared that I would only do things my way and if that is not ok I'd quit.

I started despising the system and I refused to entertain phone calls from 'uplines'. And then one day it happened. I got a call from a 'big upline' about the arrival of a 'super upline'. I was instructed to recieve him at the airport. Ok with me if the airport was close by or if I was free or atleast if I had anything to do with that person. I was almsot 650 kms away from the airport (I had gone to my hometown for some time off) and this is how the conversation went on:

The phone rings ...

Me : Hello?

He : This is Amit ji speaking. Good Morning!  (It is 9 at night and it is mandatory to suffix 'ji' to every associate. No matter what time of the day, you greet with a 'Good Morning'. Pretencious Piece of Crap! )

Me : Yes ji, How are you? ( I avoid replying with a 'Good Morning' as I don't want to make a fool out of myself)

He : Ahemm ... You forgot to say Good Morning.

Me : Oh yes, Ji, I am sorry. I'll remember that next time. How may I help you? (I still avoid it as I drift the conversation)

He : I don't need your help, Ji. I have called you to help you. I have this greeeeaaaaaaaaat opportunity for you! (Nothing is just great. It is always greeeaaaaaat!)

Me : Oh wow, Ji, I am excited. (I honestly don't give a monkey ball about it)

He : Sumit Ji is coming to Chennai. I want you to recieve him and give him the respect that he deserves.

Me : Wow, Really? I feel honored, Amit ji. But I am sorry I can't be there. I am in my native and it is almost 650 kms from Chennai. ( I don't know who the f*** Sumit is and the only respect I'd wanna give is the repsect for the dead)

He : Are you trying to tell me that you'd be late? You know I don't take No for an answer, don't ya? I would suggest you catch a flight to chennai and recieve him before Sumit ji arrives. (This guy must be f***in kiddin me. This Sumit piece of shit arrives in 10 hours it would cost me almost as much as the money I put in in this MLM shit  to catch a flight)

Me : No ji, I am not trying to say I can't. I am clearly saying I won't! ( I add a small laugh just make it sound silly and funny)

He : Oh, Shuaib ji, you are not letting me help you. You know what kind of a person Sumit ji is? He can make a dead man walk ...

And this is where I lost it. My patience was tested to its fullest and I start feeling slightly better that I am not in Chennai. (I don't wanna be framed for assaulting an ass**** now, do I? )

So, there I stood with the phone in my hand. I took a deep breath and this is what I wanted to tell -

'Why don't ya then ask that Sumit son of a ***** to stay in Delhi and make a living out of resurrecting dead people? Or you should just fix an appointment with him and get resurrected  yourself! And when you are at it, why don'ya take your minions too with you, you low life piece of sh**? I swear I would come down and stuff that phone you holding right up your sorry *************************************** !'

But instead I said, ' Wow, what an impressive resume Sumit Ji must be having. Now I don't need to feel bad that I missed the chance. I would kindly request you to cut the call and make sure you don't call me again. Thankyou for your call and for one time let me remind you, it is 'Goodnight! and Goodbye!' 

I had blocked Amit 'jinger pants' phone number and called it a quit. It is easy for the happy associates to call me a quitter. All I have to tell you people is, if you still think you are having a great time being a zombie associate, please contact Sumit ji. Trust me, you need it ;)